Abuse is not love. Abuse is about control

Domestic Violence Survivor

Jhavier was my boyfriend and we were together for two years, and we lived together. I was almost three months pregnant at the time. I sat at my laptop computer going through my emails when I came across an email from Craigslist. I opened the email and to my shock I found out that the father of my unborn child was soliciting sex online. I saw his genitals online, and read a message from a woman asking if he was still interested. My heart broke instantly, and I began to feel nauseous. I pinched myself so hard I broke my skin, but I just needed to confirm that I was awake and this was real. I just cried until I couldn’t cry anymore.

I got up and started packing all of Jhavier clothes. I needed him to get out and get away from me. I hated him, and every time I thought about the ads I vomited. One hour later he was all packed up. Jhavier came into the house after his work shift and saw all his bags back and I left the laptop open to the Craigslist email.

“Get out. Your nasty and I hate you” I said angry but crying so hard I could barely get my words out. To my surprise Jhavier was not apologetic at all. He began yelling about how this was all my fault. I couldn’t take it anymore I ran into my bedroom and locked the door. I was physically sick.

“You have to leave. I’m not having you stay here so I can catch something from your nasty ass” I said to him.”.

Those words enraged Jhavier. He busted through the door and started choking me. I fought back the best I could trying to claw him. He let me go, and I didn’t really know what to do anymore. I really thought Jhavier might kill me that night.

“Is he really mad at me because I found out he was cheating on me while I’m pregnant” I thought to myself so confused. Now Jhavier started to cry which confused me even more.

“Jhavier please go” I pleaded with him. I just wanted him gone.

“I’m not going to go anywhere you going to hear what I have to say” he said.

“I don’t care what you have to say. You’re a nasty and I hate you” I said.

“I never cheated on you. I love you Janay, but it’s your fault that I have to talk to these other girls. I don’t care about these bitches” he said. I thought he was pathetic trying to blame me for his indiscretions.

“I don’t care I just want to leave. I’m pregnant” I yelled at the top of my lungs.

“You’re going to listen to me today. That our problem you never listen to me or take me serious. You don’t support me that’s why we are in this situation.

I didn’t listen or support him so he had to turn to Craigslist. That was bullshit and we both knew it.

“You don’t listen or support my rap career. You don’t even listen to my music or take me serious at all” he said. He was right I didn’t he wasn’t anywhere close to being a Jay Z yet alone a Young Joc.

He kept yelling about how bad and unsupportive of a girlfriend I was. I finally replied “This is over. I’m not your girlfriend I’m done”.

He ran out of the bedroom and grabbed the biggest knife that we had in our kitchen and ran back into the room. I didn’t really know what he planned to do with the knife, but I could hear him crying and I could see the tears pouring down his face. He took the knife tears and all and threatened to kill himself. He was pointing the knife at his chest, but I didn’t budge and I didn’t attempt to stop him. He took the knife and cut himself three times in his chest, but they really were flesh wounds he didn’t cut himself that deep. Then he took the knife and aimed it in the middle of his chest, and raised his arms like he was planning on really stabbing his self right through the chest, and I couldn’t take anymore.

I didn’t care if he was being dramatic anymore I just wanted him to stop. The superficial wounds on his chest were bleeding. “Stop it Jhavier stop it”, I shouted. I couldn’t hold the tears back.

“You don’t care about me you want to take my child away from me for no reason. I know I need help I’ll get the help I need”, he said still crying with the knife in his hand.

“Put the knife down Jhavier”, I said.

I was trying to seem compassionate because I didn’t want Jhavier to kill himself and especially not in front of me. I was pregnant with his child I couldn’t handle this anymore. I grabbed him holding him like he was my baby and he dropped the knife. He started holding me back. He loved me and I knew that, but the love was so twisted. It wasn’t a good strong love it was a scary I’d do anything to keep you, and if I can’t have I will make your life hell type of love.

I know that I should have left Jhavier that day, but I didn’t. I couldn’t I felt horrible, and I didn’t want him to really hurt himself. I felt like he needed me, and he needed his child. I wasn’t ready to be alone yet. I forgave him, and thought to myself he didn’t sleep with any of those women from craigslist. However every woman has her breaking point. In due time I would reach mine.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

House of Ruth Maryland: 410-889-7884

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