“You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice”- Bob Marley
” Behavior never lies” – Gary Blair
I was admitted to the hospital 12/14/2014 to start the labor process for my son. Jhavier showed up to the hospital 12/17/14. Jhavier and I hadn’t spoken since about July 2014 around the time I was six months pregnant. There was so much turmoil between Jhavier and I during my pregnancy that I decided it was best that we didn’t speak. When I was admitted to the hospital I didn’t call Jhavier to tell him.
When Jhavier walked into the hospital room I was shocked. However if I’m going to be honest I was also happy. Even after everything we went through I was excited to know Jhavier wanted to see our son be born. When Jhavier walked through the door nothing matter not the domestic violence, not him beating my dog, not the Craigslist sex scandal nothing matter.
December 19 2014 I had a emergency C section and gave birth to my son Joshua. I named him Joshua because Joshua means savior. Joshua my son my savior.
Joshua weighed 9.8 pounds when he was born. He was rushed to the NICU because he was barely breathing. I was so scared for my son, and although my mother was by my side I wanted to see Jhavier. Our son was being rushed to the NICU and I didn’t know what to think. I blamed myself, and I blamed Jhavier. I blamed him for putting me through so much negativity while I was pregnant. I blamed myself for putting up with the drama for so long. Once again I was broken my son was hurting and I couldn’t do anything to fix that. The only person who could’ve imagined what I was going through was Jhavier. No one else could feel the pain, or understand my anxiety other than Jhavier. Joshua was our child our flesh and blood.
However after I gave birth to our son Jhavier was kicked out of the hospital due to his behavior. I watched the hospital security drag him out the hospital. That was the most painful and embarrassing moment of my life. I understood Jhavier probably was nervous about Joshua, but that didn’t excuse his behavior. The nurses and the doctors advised Jhavier’s behavior was unacceptable.
“Typical Jhavier” I thought to myself.
“Why couldn’t he hold it together for our son? Why couldn’t he hold it together for me” I thought as I began to cry out loud.
The next day I would spend all day running back and forth to the NICU bringing breast milk to my son. I decided that I would breast feed, and it was very hard. My son wouldn’t latch onto my breast so I had to pump my milk. Pumping milk was also difficult because I wasn’t producing a lot of breast milk. Not being able to breast feed my son made me feel extremely inadequate and sad. I felt like a horrible mom because of my breast feeding issues. No one told me how normal it is for women to have issues breastfeeding and because of that I felt sad. I felt guilty like maybe I wasn’t supposed to be a mother or I wasn’t fit to be a mother.
Jhavier finally came back to the hospital around 5:30 pm to finally meet his son. He came with a card with a handwritten note thanking me for choosing life and given birth to his first born son. He apologized for everything he put me through and promised to be the best father ever. He also came with a cloth flower from the gift shop.
“Maybe just maybe being a father will make him grow up” I thought to myself as I accepted the gifts.
Our son was in the NICU for 5 days. I stayed in the hospital everyday with him and so did Jhavier. We both slept in the same small hospital bed together every night. If I needed help with dressing Jhavier helped me. If I was hungry he would get me food and it felt like the old times were back. The old times when we were young and in love with no drama, no violence, just love. Jhavier was sweet, he was my protector. He was so in love with our son he held him whenever he could. My perfect family was coming together I thought to myself. I was happy even if it was just for the moment.
December 24th Christmas Eve 2014 Joshua was released from the NICU. I went home with my mother, and Jhavier went home to wherever he lived. Our time as a family was over. Reality kicked in as soon as we left the hospital. My little family was no more.
After I left the hospital Jhavier would call every couple of days to check on our son. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t call everyday but I realized our son couldn’t talk.
February 04 2015 I brought Josh to see Jhavier. Jhavier finally had time to spend with Joshua and I was happy to bring him. Jhavier was renting out a small bedroom in a boarding house for men. He lived on the top floor and had a small twin size bed. His bedroom door didn’t lock and there was one shared bathroom. Being the only woman in a house full of men made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be there, but I wanted to make sure Jhavier could spend time with his son.
Jhavier asked me if we could have sex. I declined. He seemed like he was okay with the rejection as long he still could be with his son. I was at Jhaviers house for about two hours and I asked him to pop some popcorn. He said no and told me to pop my own popcorn. The microwave was in the kitchen and I didn’t want to go into the kitchen with the men. The strange men in the boarding house who I did not know. I explained that to Jhavier and he became enraged.
“You think your better than me. Your too good to go to my kitchen.” Jhavier said as he snatched the popcorn from me and threw it out his third floor window. I realized at that moment that Jhavier did not change. He was still the same evil women beater and I felt dumb.
I started gathering my stuff and my son to leave. I had my son in one arm and his diaper bag in the other arm and I started walking to the door.
“Bitch you can leave but leave my son” Jhavier said as he pushed me. I feel onto the bed with my son in my arms. Josh was barely three months old. I felt like I failed as a mother again. I knew Jhavier was unstable and still I came to his room with the hopes of being a family. It was my fault that my infant son was subjected to the foolery.
Jhavier apologized and begged me so stay. I left with our son and told Jhavier I would never come back. I told him he could still see our son but I would not bring our son to him. He would need to make the arrangements. I left his room that day, and Jhavier didn’t see Josh again until Josh’s dedication on June 14 2015.
I learned that day that Jhavier would never ever change. No matter how much I wished he would change. My heart was broken. Jhavier showed me who he was and I should’ve believed him.
During the summer time my son’s father sent me a text message seeking to end the back and forth turmoil that has been our life since the birth of our child. He apologized for the dirt and acknowledged the domestic violence part of our relationship was a serious mistake on his part. He advised his court ordered anger management was working and he was seeing the error in his ways . Being the person I am I accepted his apology and left it at that. After the apology his family invited me to a family vacation weekend in Virginia and he started texting me all the time. However because I’m a stand offish person I never reciprocated or accepted the advances. All request to come over late at night were kindly declined. He asked if he could come over and have family dinners once a week so that our son could see us happy and getting along. I would again jokingly but sternly decline. He didn’t know where I lived and until this day he doesn’t. It was like yes I accepted his apologies but I couldn’t allow myself to trust him or go down that path again ever in life. With me once the love is lost it’s gone and there is no return of course I can be cordial but nothing more. I’m not the girl who is going to keep sleeping with a no good man just because he promises to change and comes with mediocre sex I just can’t do it.
My son’s father trying to be a player even asked me to have a second child with him. He said the second time could be the charm and we could get it right this time no courts, no child support no drama. I was just thinking to myself yes I love my son to death but I didn’t even wanna have him. I definitely didn’t wanna have my first child with my son’s father but he took advantage of me when I went on a Patron binge but that’s neither her nor there. I accept the fact that I was irresponsible and I wouldn’t change a thing because nothing makes me happier than being a mother. However once again I kindly refused his offer again advising him that I did not want another child. During this time he’s texting me almost all day, FaceTiming me, and calling at night and I was extremely perplexed . I accepted his apology but we were not friends. I could forgive but I couldn’t forget and not being able to forget the emotional pain wouldn’t allow me feel anything towards him ever again in life. I felt bad because I felt like he was genuinely trying to be a better person, but that wasn’t enough for me. I hate holding grudges. I felt like I should forgive and forget and put that past aside for my son, but my mind wouldn’t allow that.
After about a month and a half of my son’s father putting his best foot forward his girlfriend whose 40 years old must’ve thought we where getting to close because next thing I know she’s calling and texting my phone as well. She didn’t know why he was spending so much time reaching out to me, and she didn’t like it. She told me that my son’s father told her he hated me and thought I was a bad mother.
She’s advised me via text and I quote “Ok so I told Jhavier the best way to try to get off child support is to sleep with u . He said he was but u asked him is that what he really wanted to do and atp he changed his mind because he didn’t want to sleep with u Fr because he don’t like u like that ???”
I simply responded “Y’all dumb why would you all think that would work 😂😂😂 “.
Now all the apologies, family vacation offers and talks of future babies made complete sense he wanted off of child support by any means necessary. I have never been so offended in life there was no way I was going to let that extra mediocre sex keep him from finically supporting his child. I just thought to myself what in the name of childish high school plots is going on here! There was no way two grown adults one who is 40 (his girlfriend) came up with that plot. I thank God that I wasn’t dumb enough to fall for the okie doke like some females.
I didn’t even feel like telling her he told her a damn lie. I didn’t ask him is that what he wanted I flat out said no and ignored all his late night texts. I was so thankful that I knew not to trust him or even try to dig up the past. It’s no way on earth I would ever sleep with anyone who punched me in my face. There is no apology, there is no excuse there is no “I was a boy then but I’m a man now” line that could make me truly forgive him either! That was scheme number one I guess they tried to butter me up and go in for the kill I don’t know but I do know it didn’t work. I’m smarter than that, but that was just scheme number one it only got worst.
My sons father called me early November crying on the phone saying he was having suicidal thoughts and was living in his car. Please be mindful that is November in Maryland so it’s pretty cold. He stated that he lost his job and because he is currently on probation (for punching me in the face and trying to hit me with a car last spring) he was having a hard time securing another job. He was sobbing on the phone crying and explaining that he lost his place. “It’s hard out here janay I’m really out here having suicidal thoughts. Your son’s going to grow up without a father and you don’t care” he said while crying into the phone. I’m rolling my eyes at this point like ok Denzel. He goes on and on crying saying that he doesn’t have a job and when he does get a job his check will be garnished because he owes a bail bondsmen $4,000 dollars and he owes child support. He crying about how even when he’s not working the child support is just accumulating and he won’t ever get out the rears.
He was crying saying that he moved to Maryland for me and he can’t believe I really turned my back on him. I’m trying not to show any emotions because I honestly felt like he dug the hole he was buried in and now he wanted to be a coward and cry about suicide.
I said “Jhavier stop lying your not living in your car your living with that girl”.
He sobbed even louder at this time saying his on again off again girlfriend was money hungry and he can’t even live there because she wants money too and he doesn’t have money.
“That’s all y’all Baltimore women care about is money. It’s hard out here janay” is what he said before I hung the phone up.
He called me back 22 times. Sometimes I answered and he would say “please Janay I just need your help”.
I didn’t know what he thought I could do for him he couldn’t stay with me, and I wasn’t taking him off child support period. However after awhile my conscious started getting the best of me and I started thinking about the seriousness of his suicidal thoughts. So many people kill themselves when they get overwhelmed finically in life. I kept hearing him cry and call out for help and I knew I couldn’t just leave him out to kill himself in his car. Even though he was not my favorite person he was still my son’s father and my conscious wouldn’t allow me to be completely heartless.
I called the suicide prevention line, I called 311 and texted him the Baltimore crisis line information. I sent him these text “Idk if you were playing but suicide is serious I called the suicide prevention line for you and also reported it to the authorities someone should be reaching out to you. This is very serious. Much love I hope you feel better soon my friend and I provided your address”.
The second text “Baltimore crisis response 410-433-5175 Sheppard Pratt 410-938-help here are some numbers for you Incase you feel suicide thoughts”.
He never responded to either text and the next day I reached out to a lawyer from the Women’s clinic. It was his weekend to have our son and I started to get even more concerned about my son’s fathers claims of being suicidal and living in his car I couldn’t let my son be around that. He’s was not in the right head space and my son’s safety was worth more than a weekend out with my friends. I sent him a third text after the lawyer helped me find the right words to send “Out of concern for Josh’s safety, the two of you can resume visits when your health and living situation are much more stable. Good luck”.
He responded one hour later “I never made any statements our conversation was about joint custody”. I thought to myself is he serious this was another ploy to get off child support? He really cried and faked being suicidal to avoid finically supporting his child? This can’t be real this has to be a bad dream. Men can not be stooping so low these days a false suicide attempt is too far. All the tears and all the calls just because he didn’t want to pay $404 per month? I could not deal!
My mother said his girlfriend stopped her at the gas station and advised her that he was living with her and lost his car months ago. Oh the games and the lies. After that incident my son’s father didn’t bother to call his son and to say Happy thanksgiving. Our son’s birthday was December 19th he didn’t bother to call or text and say happy birthday. I heard he made a lovely post on Facebook saying happy birthday as if he thought our son would see. I love the clout chase of it all posting pictures like Facebook dad of the year all the while not speaking to our child once. Christmas passed and then New Years still nothing but I’m sure there were post. Too bad he didn’t call 22 times on those days instead of wasting those calls on fake suicide attempts. This story unfortunately is still in progress with no end in sight but I’ll keep you updated. If you see my son’s father before I do please advise him that all the while he is solely trying to hurt or hoodwink me its our son who suffers the most. Not only from the disconnect and distant he experiences from his father, but from witnessing his mother struggle emotionally and finically to support him. It’s not healthy and more importantly it’s not fair!