Mind Games

Mind Games

“The bravest thing I’ve ever done is continuing to live when I wanted to die”


I sat on the couch watching television with my best friend, her boyfriend and his best friend. Everyone was laughing and discussing the show’s shenanigans and how reality tv was so unrealistic. All of a sudden out of nowhere I started hearing loud sirens and my heart started beating so loud and so fast I thought it was going to jump out of my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack. Panicking because I thought I was dying I looked around the room at everyone else who appeared to be unfazed but the loud sirens.

“Do y’all hear that? “I asked clearly frightened. 

“Hear what?” my friend asked clearly concerned. 

That’s when it hit me I was the only person that could hear the sirens because the sirens weren’t real. The sirens were in my head. 

Then I couldn’t breathe. My shortness of breath was so bad I could barely grasp for air. I’m definitely having a heart attack I thought to myself. I started holding my chest trying to catch my breath. 

“Are you ok?” My friend asked.

“Yea I just can’t breathe” I said trying to stand up. 

My friend called 911 out of concern. Now the sirens were real. When the ambulance arrived to her apartment 20 minutes later I was fine the moment passed. My heart rate went back to normal and I was able to breath. I went to the emergency room and got a X-ray and the doctor told me I was fine.  He said my lungs were clear and I was free to go after about two hours. 

I didn’t know it then, but I just experienced my first panic attack. It was so weird to me because I wasn’t stressed or upset. It just happened out of the blue with no warning and for no rhyme or reason. 

Then three months later I woke up out of my sleep shaking because I was so scared. That’s when I heard footsteps in my living room, and then I heard the door handle jiggle. I was so scared I just started  screaming and called 911. Once I screamed I heard the footsteps run towards the window and then I heard what I thought was someone climbing out the window down the building walls.

The 911 operator was so nice and agreed to stay on the phone with me until the police arrived. I would say 15 minutes passed before the police arrive, but the 911 operator kept me calm the whole time. Once the police knocked on the door I was too scared to leave my room to open the door. I didn’t know what or who waited for me on the other side of the door, but after a minute or so I gained enough courage to open the door.

Once I stood in the living room I realized everything was all in my head. No one had ever been in my apartment and not even Spider-Man himself could have climbed up and down the walls of my third floor apartment. 

The officer was very compassionate and understanding even though I clearly wasted his time and tax payer dollars. He walked through my apartment and made sure no one was there. He opened all the cabinets, closet doors even the oven.

“You’re just scared no one is here” he said.

“I’m sorry” I said clearly embarrassed.

The officer left and I went back to my bed were my son was laying sleep. He never woke up through any of the nights events. Not from me screaming bloody murder when I thought I under attack or from the police pounding on the door. He never woke up he just slept peacefully and unbothered. 

I just sat straight up in my bed and cried. I cried because I felt like I was loosing my mind. I felt crazy and I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. Not having control over my own mind or my feelings was extremely scary and disheartening. “Janay you really are crazy” I repeated to myself as I sobbed. I pride myself on being a strong woman, but at that moment I felt weak.

The next day I contacted a therapist. I decided I could no longer suffer in silence. I could no longer be a hostage to my own mind. I’ve been going to therapy faithfully for the last year and a half trying to work through my issues. My therapist explained to me that I shouldn’t feel weak. She explained how strong I am for taking the steps to get help. She said I’m strong for not allowing myself to suffer in silence. I still have panics attacks, but I now know how to breathe through them. I’ve been diagnosed with chronic depression and PTSD. I refuse to let those titles define me and I’m working on being the best version of myself I can be. It sounds corny but I may currently have depression, but depression doesn’t have me. Depression does not define me or who I am as a person. I will not be a slave to depression. 

If your reading this and suffering from depression, anxiety, paranoia or any other mental illness do not allow yourself to suffer in silence. Reach out to a therapist, a friend, or a counselor. Get help and understand that you are not in this fight alone. 

Helpful resources: 

Baltimore Crisis Response Inc. (BCRI)410-433-5175


Sheppard Pratt Urgent Assessment Line410-938-HELP (4357)


National Suicide Prevention Line:



“In people predisposed to anxiety disorders, caffeine can trigger a spiral of sensations–sweaty palms, pounding heart, ringing in the ears–that leads to a full blown panic attack”


I was researching panic attack triggers to find out why I was having such frequent panic attacks. I almost cried when I read caffeine could trigger or make panics attacks worst. I was addicted to caffeine. I’m a night owl and the only way I could commit to my 8-5 schedule was to load up on caffeine daily.

In the morning I would come into work and make myself a fresh cup of coffee. Then around 10 I would find myself crashing and would walk to the vending machine to grab a Diet Coke. I know diet is the worst but diet soda has so much more caffeine than regular soda so it was my to go to drink. I take lunch around 2 pm and I would drink my personal favorite Diet Pepsi max which has about 115mg of caffeine. That was the only way I could make it through the day.

Sometime as a treat I would stop pass Starbucks on my way home from work and order my favorite a salted Carmel frappe with an extra shot.

Then I would go home help my son with his homework, cook and clean and then get ready for bed. Bedtime was the worst because all I could hear was my heart beating extremely fast, and the ringing in my ears was so loud I couldn’t hear anything else. I literally would toss and turn all night. This slightest noise would wake me up out of my sleep. I often would not be able to fall asleep until 1 or 2am and my alarm clock goes off faithfully at 6am every day. 

I decided I needed to give up caffeine and find a more natural way to get my energy. However detoxing from caffeine was an extremely hard process for me.

 Day One:

I came into work exhausted, but I refused to drink any coffee. However by lunch time I had the worst migraine ever. My head hurt so badly. It even hurt to keep my eyes open. I took Tylenol but my headache never went away. Finally after being in so much pain I called my mother to let her know how bad I was feeling. She advised me I couldn’t give up caffeine cold turkey. She advised I would have to ween myself off because my body was used to consuming high amounts of caffeine. When I got home from work I stopped in the grocery store and grabbed a Pepsi max. I drank the bottle and shortly after my headache finally went away. Having a caffeine headache was the worst headache I’ve ever had.

Day Two:

Once again I came into work and opted not to drink a cup of coffee. Then around noon my headache returned once again. Prepared this time I made myself a half cup of coffee. Clearly the free coffee my job offers wasn’t strong enough because my headache didn’t fully go away. One hour later I found myself back at the vending machine getting a Diet Coke. I drank half of the Diet Coke and like magic my headache went away.

After about two weeks of this routine I decided no more half bottles of soda, and half cups of coffee I needed to be done with my addiction to caffeine. Once again I stopped cold turkey. The headaches were so bad but I fought through the pain until they were gone for good. One month after deciding to give up caffeine I finally was able to do so without any side effects.

However now my major issue was fatigue. I was so tired every day and it was starting to affect me not only at work, but as a mother. I needed to find ways to naturally gain energy. I found four steps that really helped me get more energy.

Step One: Eat for energy. 

My diet was awful, and I decided to eat less junk. Instead I started eating more salads and vegetables. I started eating more fruit and less candy. 

Step Two: Exercise

I started going to the gym as often as I could. I committed to at least three days a week. I found exercise as a good way to not only lose weight, but to also gain energy. Exercising also helped me with sleeping. Sometimes after a long work out I find myself so tired I would come home shower and fall right to sleep. Exercising is also a good way to cope with stress. It helps you relax naturally.

Step Three: Vitamins

I have Chrons Disease and I’m anemic. Often time I go to the doctors and I’m told my iron is low, my B12 is low, and my vitamin D is low. That also explains why I’m so tired. I now take sublingual B12 5,000 mg every morning. I also take Ceylon cinnamon 1,200mg every morning as well to regulate my sugar. Mid-day I take a liquid vitamin Natural Vitality Organic Life Vitamins 30ml, and a liquid iron 15ml. Then at night I take a One A Day women’s Vitamin right before bed. I also take a Natures Bounty hair skin and nails vitamin Before bed as well. My doctor advised me my sugar levels were down and my vitamin levels are up. So I swear by these vitamins.

Step Four: Drink Lots of Water!

This might be the most important step. Drinking water is so good for your body for so many reason. Drinking water helps to maintain a healthy body weight. My skin is so clear I love it. I try to drink about one or more gallons of water per day. Swapping out sugary beverages for water is probably the best thing I have ever done in my life. I’m glowing and I don’t have to stress about my skin or my hair. That helps keep me calm and happy! My energy is also up and my energy is positive.

In conclusion my decision to stop drinking caffeine and start living a better healthier life was the best decision for me. I would always recommend speaking with a doctor before starting any vitamin routine.

For More Information Anxiety and Caffeine please visit: